“Sit your a**es down.” That's how Oscars host Chris Rock opened the 77th Academy Awards more than a decade ago, after walking out on stage, with the audience rising to its feet to greet him.
“Sit your a**es down.”
That's how Oscars host Chris Rock opened the 77th Academy Awards more than a decade ago, after walking out on stage, with the audience rising to its feet to greet him.
Rock was named host for the 88th Academy Awards on Oct. 21.
The Academy has a shortened video of his 2005 opening monologue posted to its YouTube channel. Below, find the complete speech by Rock:
“All right, welcome to the 77th and last Academy Awards.
It’s a great night tonight. We have, what, four black nominees tonight. So great, it’s like the Def Oscar Jam tonight.
Now, remember when you were a kid and every movie was incredible? Every movie was magic? They were all great. And then you grow up and you watch some of those same movies and you’re like, “‘Rocky V’ sucks!”
Now, I love the Oscars. Do you know why I love the Oscars?
Because the Oscars are the only show, the only awards show, where the people getting awards don’t perform. That’s right, there’s no acting at the Oscars. None at all.
You go to the Grammys, there’s singing. You go to the Tony Awards, they are singing and dancing. You go to the Source Awards, they are singing, dancing and shooting. Okay? But there’s no acting at the Oscars at all.
Can I get a little acting? Just a “To Be or Not To Be?” or Morgan Freeman doing a shampoo commercial? Something!
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars are when people act like they’re not mad they lost. I remember one year when Halle Berry won the Oscar. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. [Left out by Academy video] If you’d have done that in the movie, you would have won an Oscar, girl!
But I love the movies. I love all the movies.
I love the good one and the bad ones, okay?
You ever see a movie so bad that you question the actor’s finances? I saw this movie, “Boat Trip,” the other day and I immediately sent Cuba Gooding [Jr.] a check for $80.
Now, you figure why don’t some movies work? Well, because the studios make them too fast, okay. If you can’t get a star, wait. Just wait! And they like to say, “Oh, there’s a hundred stars out tonight.” No there’s not. There’s only four real stars. The rest are just popular people, okay?
Like Clint Eastwood’s a star. That’s a star. Clint Eastwood is a star. Tobey Maguire is just boy in tights, okay?
If you can’t get a star, wait.
If you want Tom Cruise and all you can get is Jude Law, wait. It's not the same thing, okay? Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I have seen the last four years? He’s in everything. Even the movies he’s not acting in, if you look at the credits, he made cupcakes or something. He's in everything. He's gay. He's straight. He’s American. He’s British. Next year, he’s playing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a movie.
If you can't get a star, wait.
If you want Russell Crowe and all you can get is Colin Farrell, wait! It’s not the same thing, okay? “Alexander” is not “Gladiator.” Ja Rule is not Tupac, you got that?
I love Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe to me is one of the greatest actors of the world, okay? I think all period pieces should star Russell Crowe. Everything. If you’re doing a movie about the past, you best to get Russell’s ass, okay? I don’t care if you’re making a movie about three weeks ago, you need to get Russell Crowe. Because Russell will do the research about three weeks ago. He’ll cut his hair like three weeks ago, he will walk like three weeks ago, he will talk like three weeks ago. And you’ll close your eyes and listen and go, “That sounded like three weeks ago!”
If you can't get a star, wait, okay?
If want Denzel Washington and all you can get is me, wait! Okay? Denzel’s a fine actor. He would never do “Pootie Tang,” you got that? After I did “Pootie Tang,” Cuba Gooding sent me a check for $80.
Now this year in Hollywood, some of the most controversial movies no one wanted to make, man. Some of the best movies of the year, nobody wanted to make.
One of my favorite movies this year was “Fahrenheit 9/11.” It was beautiful. Michael Moore did not get nominated for an Oscar, okay?
Right now, Michael Moore is going, “I should have just made ‘Super Size Me’ … I’ve done the research.”
Hey, a lot of people like to bash [President] Bush. I’m not going to bash Bush tonight. I saw “Fahrenheit 9/11.” I think Bush is a genius. I think Bush did some things this year nobody in this room could do, nobody in this room could pull off, okay? Because Bush basically reapplied for his job this year.
Now could you imagine applying for a job and while you’re applying for that job there’s a movie in every theater in the country that shows how much you suck at that job?
It’d be hard to get hired, wouldn’t it? I watched “Fahrenheit”; I learned some stuff, man.
Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. Never, ever, ever.
When Bush got into the office, they had a surplus of money. Now there’s like a $70 trillion deficit.
Now, just imagine you work at the Gap. You’re closing out your register, and it’s $70 trillion short. The average person would get into trouble for something like that. Not Bush. No.
Then, he started a war. That’s cool, support the troops. He started a war. Now just imagine if you worked at the Gap. You’re $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic. Because you say they’ve got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying, 1,000 Gap employees are dead, that’s right, bleeding all over the khakis. You finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.
Another movie nobody wanted to make this year was a big religious movie, “The Passion of the Christ.” That’s right.
I saw “Passion of the Christ”; not that funny, really.
Nobody wanted to make “Passion of the Christ,” man, come on. They made six “Police Academys” and can’t make one “Passion of the Christ.”
They had no problem making “Hellboy,” but made “Passion of the Christ.”
That means Jude Law can get into a club easier than Mel Gibson and Jesus.
But at least here’s one thing, I can relate because a lot of Jewish people were offended by “Passion of the Christ.” A lot of Jewish people were mad about “Passion of the Christ” and I can relate because I had to deal with a movie called “Soul Plane” this year.
I will trade you “Passion of the Christ” for “Soul Plane” any day of the week, okay?
See, at least they make movies for white people to enjoy. Real movies with plots, with actors, not rappers. With real names, like “Catch Me If You Can” and “Saving Private Ryan.” Black movies don’t have real names. You get names like “Barbershop.” That’s not a name, that’s just a location! “Barbershop,” “Cookout,” “Car Wash” … They’ve been making the same movies for 40 years! That’s right, you know “Laundromat” is coming soon. And after that, “Check Cashing Place.”
All right, before we start the show, I just want to send some love out to all of our troops fighting all over the world for freedom right now.
Now, our first presenter is an Academy Award winner for her role in “Monster’s Ball” and will next be seen in the eagerly awaited “Catwoman 2.” Give it up for Halle Berry.”
The 88th Academy Awards, for outstanding film achievements of 2015, will be presented on Sunday, Feb. 28, 2016, at the Dolby Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Center, and will be televised live on ABC and in more than 225 countries worldwide.